errata v.2

Whoa! What a weekend!

Today is the first day of non-daylight savings time, and I feel great! It's not even 11:00, and I am wide awake, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and dressed. Okay, you're right, I fell asleep in my clothes last night, but that has nothing to do with anything. I'm currently sitting at home waiting for the library and the pet store to open. I know: it looks like I have a thrilling day ahead of me, browsing book-filled shelves, the smell of stale pages (it's such a good smell) and unwashed hobo around me (not so good), and petting bunnies and buying pellets.

I have been emailing anyone who will read them in the last few days. I emailed bikesnobnyc, I emailed atxbs, and I emailed Vulcan Video. This is all a response, I beleive, to the utter ineptness and stupidity of Bank of America that simply sends out form emails no matter what you write them. But I will get them back later this week when I go close all my accounts. MUAHAHAHA. I hope that $10.00 was worth it, you bastards.

My email to bikesnob was informing her of her true identity. Yes, bikesnob is female; I know this because I dreamed it. Bikesnob replied, and uses equally good grammar in private as well as public communication. It's not a farce, as some have proposed (I'm sure you've heard the whispers of "She has a fabulous ghostwriter.") This would explain a lot to me: It takes a long time to craft such excellent, well-organized and well-written essays. These are invariably posted during the middle of the day, which makes me wonder about her occupational status (maybe she's mentioned it in the blog and I've just forgotten). However, the mid-day postings imply that she isn't a messenger, which leaves three options: 1.) Bikesnob, in addition to her ironic orange Julius bicycle, has a moutain bike which he uses to pedicab. This is why she never updates in the evening or on weekends; 2.) Bikesnob works in a coffee shop, giving her ample time and practice in the everyday activity of sitting in dimly lit space, typing on a computer; 3.) Bikesnob is a nighttime messenger, which makes her even more badass. She probably doesn't use lights on her bike, but guides herself through echolocation.

As for atxbs, I merely emailed this article on female cyclists dying more often at the hands (or tires?) of motorists in Britain. This statistic is attributable to the fact that women cyclists are more likely to stop at redlights. Obeying the law is dangerous!

And to Vulcan Video, I emailed complaining about Wes Anderson being moved onto the Director's Wall. I mean, seriously, WTF? Ingmar Bergman isn't even on it, and Herzog only got that promotion in the last year or so. Wes Anderson?! When I commented on it to the guys working, one of them exclaimed: "Seriously! What's next?! Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino?" When the war starts, we'll be in the same army.

I watched The Jackal for the first time last night. Don't read this if you don't want a spoiler, because I'm about to go all out on your ass. But first I'm going to take a sip of coffee.

So, this severe Russian woman and this black guy (because he's the only black guy in the movie, it's most expedient to identify him in this way. I apologize; his race isn't really important, but it's a lot shorter than typing "the who works for FBI" every time) who works for the end up killing this Russian mobster (he was an asshole). Of course, the Russian mob gets angry, and hires Bruce Willis ("The Jackal") to kill the head of the FBI (who is not black). Anyways, Bruce Willis is this total badass who is an international killer and pretty much unstoppable--and only about 6 people in the WORLD knows what he looks like. One of these people happens to be Richard Gere.

Gere is an Irish guy who did something wrong and got caught and sentenced to 25 years. It turns out, Bruce set a trap for him, and Gere fell into it--with his lady friend, who at the time was carrying his child. She got shot and lost the baby, but survived, then while Gere was in prison married someone else and had two children with him. She is also one of 6 people who knows what Bruce looks like.

So, Gere doesn't like Bruce Willis, and the black guy gets him out of prison to help catch Bruce, which is the smartest thing he could have done because Gere is a total badass, just like Bruce. So, while they're trying to find Bruce, Gere and the severe Russian woman (her name is Valentina) begin to fall in love. It's sweet. Aw.

In the meantime, Bruce flies to Canada and hires Jack Black to build a mount for this giant gun that he has. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is one of Jack Black's least good roles (my favorites being his role in Jesus' Son and now also Tropic Thunder). Anyways, Bruce guns him down in a dramatically bloody scene, then blows up his car (hey, he was just testing the gun). He then buys a boat, hides the gun in it, and sails to America, where Gere spots him on the wharves of Chicago and Bruce tries to shoot him. So, Bruce gets in his minivan and drives away (apparently badasses drive minivans in 1997), and Gere is convinced there is a mole in the FBI because Bruce wasn't surprised to see him.

Gere is right, of course. They get rid of the mole, and then realize that Bruce knows Gere's old girlfriend's new address, so they evacuate the family, but right as Brce gets there to kill people. ANyways, he shoots Valentina in the stomach, tells her to press her hand just right and informs her she was shot in the liver because her blood is almost black, and if she keeps her hand there, she has 20 minutes to live. If the pain gets too much, she can let go and die in 5. Then he tells her, "if you see Richard Gere before you die, tell him he can't protect his women." Of course, she survives until Gere gets there, and tells him, and Gere is angry. Then he realizes that Bruce isn't trying to kill the FBI director; he's trying to kill the first lady!

And he almost does it. He has his gun mounted in the back of his minivan, and he's got this toootally 1990's computer that he uses to aim the gun, which he connects to with these totally giant 1990's brick cell phones. And his computer has got this giant red button to press to fire. His finger is going towards the button in slo-mo as the black guy is running through the crowd to tackle and save the first lady... and barely does! Bruce shoots up the hospital, then runs away, Gere follows him, running through the subway (Kontroll is a much better subway film), and finally Geres first woman shoots and kills Bruce.

Oh, the 1990's.

I'm sorry about the end of my synopsis. I realized suddenly I was really bored with what I was doing, but couldn't not-write the last paragraph.

Oh well.