The resubmission to government instruction and the advent of Tour de Fat

I hope everyone knows that the Tour de Fat is returning to Austin next weekend. Sponsored by New Belgium, Tour de Fat is dedicated "spreading the good word about the positive societal offerings of the bicycle. Costumes and decorated bikes reign supreme as the participants come to ride in the bike parade, then gather in the merriment of good music, entertainment, and tasty beer. Amid the hoopla, Tour de Fat raises money – $806,000 to date! – for local charities, increases awareness for reducing your waste stream, signs people up for Team Wonderbike, and culminates in a Car Bike Swap, where the winner gets a custom Black Sheep New Belgium Commuter bike. Admission to the Tour de Fat is free.
All profits from beer sales go to local non profit organizations."If you want to read more, you can see the website here, and you can read about the Austin itenerary here. In any case, because the event is to raise money, they asked for volunteers. And who volunteered? Yours truly, of course. The job I volunteered for required TABC certification, and since mine expired in July, I needed to renew Fortunately, the Tour is going to reimburse me, but that doesn't change the fact that taking the certification course is literally painful.

Not only does the course take four hours, but it's boring, and stupid as hell. It was divided into seven sections, each of which ended in a short set of questions. These are very challenging--here's one, for example.

If I drink this, will my sinus infection go away or will my fetus die? Will I be happy about it or sad about it?

I'm glad they're easy, but did I really need to sit through half an hour of redundant information to answer that? I think not. Although it would be very, very convenient if alcohol were an oral contraceptive, it unfortunately is not. Just imagine how quickly abortion rates and condom sales would plummet. Women would be able to have their cake and eat it too, and we would all be happy. Except for Trojan.

Moving on, the course informed me that it was illegal to sell alcohol to a drunkard. I know you're wondering how a drunkard is legally defined, but don't worry, the course quickly explained.Wooo! We're all drunkards!

"A drunkard is one who is in the habit of drinking until drunk."

Yes. This means that everyone I know (except Leah) is a drunkard. Pretty much anyone that is served alcohol at any bar is a drunkard. We are all drunkards! Wear the label, be proud.

But drunkards aren't the only people it's illegal to serve. You are also prohibitted from serving insane people, which the course illustrated with a picture of what I assume is supposed to be an insane person.Only lonely people go crazy.

Yes. This is undoubtedly an insane girl. The moral of this is that lonley people, especially people who might be emo, are probably insane. They can be anywhere, and strike any time. What the course fails to discuss, however, is the penalties for serving an insane drunkard alcohol. Are these greater or less than serving either a sane drunk or a sober lunatic?

The course went on to describe methods that can be used to identity minors, and this was undoubtedly the section with the best information.
To sum these two slides up, pretty much any asshole or whore in a bar probably could be underage. This is very helpful.

As the course continues, our insane girl makes another appearence.

You'd be terrefied too if you'd shat yourself insane.

She is now on the slide for "Common Indicatiors of Intoxication," which--hello!-- means someone has been breaking the law. Her libations seem to have increased her level of insanity, as well, as she now looks frightened and paranoid rather than lonely. As one reads the checklist of indictators, one realizes that she exhibits almost none of the symptoms listed. Although she undoubtedly shows mental confusion, it is more likely attributable to her mental state rather than her blood alcohol content. She could perhaps be considered disheveled--she does have that hair in her face, but we have no indication of any of the others. And bladder/bowel control? If this was really so common, those stories or people getting wasted and shitting or pissing all over wouldn't be quite so hilarious (actually, poop is hilarious no matter how many times it happens). In any case, if someone is pissing and shitting themselves while ordering drinks, the bartender isn't going to giving them a beer, they're going to be kicking them out. Perhaps our friend the insane girl has actually shat herself. This would perfectly explain the fact that she is hugging her back to the wall and has an expression of sheer terror on her face.

Now, because alcohol is not an oral conceptive, the course also discusses fetal alcohol syndrome, which is a very serious consideration. However, as someone who serves alcohol, you're required to serve to pregnant women. If they want to fuck up their child, you're not allowed to prevent them. Basically, it's the pregnant woman's right to destroy her future child if she wants, but hey! At least they'll show you a really terrifying photo of an extreme close-up of a crying baby's face while you read about it.

I just really don't think that photo is necessary.

Now, just in case your irresponsible, pregnant customer decides to drive home, and for some reason you get off work in time to encounter her on the road, the course gives some very important tips about how to tell if someone is driving drunk, which include "varied speeds," "weaving or swerving," and "head out of the window."


Basically, if you're Lloyd Christmas or Harry Dunne, you probably drive like you're drunk.


Because I finally found my camera cord and I've been talking about alcohol, here is a photo of me and Jimi for your enjoyment.

Are you laughing at me yet?